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I have experienced Mother’s Day in many different ways, first as a child celebrating my own mother, as a hopeful parent, a mother of loss, and then there’s this year. This year is my favorite. This year, I get to hold twin babies in my arms, and guess what…they are all mine.

For the first time I get to envelop my children, smell them, take them in completely, and from every Mother’s Day forward, I will do the same. These babies were fought for. Heaven knows, we battled it out with the infertility monster for far too long to get here, but boy was it worth it.

Being able to celebrate this Mother’s Day with babies in tow is a blessing I don’t take lightly. Just last year I had planned on being a hermit on this sacred day whilst donning my favorite pair of sweats with a pint of Ben and Jerry’s at my side. That was my “nope” period. The days where I mourned the loss of our pregnancy and wanted to avoid the happy families around me that were doting on the makers of tiny humans.

But just as I was ready to assume my best impression of Gollum, a neighbor dropped by. You see, I had forgotten that I have real-life angels living down the street, and that they have spidey-senses of sorts. With their all-knowing abilities, one of these divine creatures decided to pay me a visit with gourmet popcorn (this angel was now my favorite) and a giant bear hug. All she said was “I figured tomorrow would be a bittersweet day for you”, and with that, ladies and gentlemen, she acknowledged that I was still a mom, and softened my heart, thus foiling my plans to indulge in self-pity and forcing me out of my cave of emotions.

We all have our dark days and Mother’s Day is no exception. The desire to be a mother is so overwhelming and real and unfortunately, it’s not something that can be squashed or ignored. Heck, our entire body yearns to either create life, or at least help sustain it. We were built to do this, so when the system fails, it can leave us feeling broken. But let me tell you, holding a child in your arms, one that is all yours, is life-affirming and makes all the horrible, no-good, very bad days worth it.

This Mother’s Day is my victory lap. A chance to look back at all the motherly roles I’ve played in the past and appreciate them for what they were. They made me a stronger person and ultimately prepared me for this point in life. To hold my one-month-old squirmy babies and just be devastatingly in love with them, knowing that one day they will call me “Mama”.